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Saturday, November 28th, 2009
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Friday, November 20th, 2009
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I never really thought I would write in this Journal again, yet here I am. I figure I owe an apology to a person who was once very dear to my heart, and who I think about quite often. I know this apology may never be seen, but I feel it should be said regardless.
Amanda, I am sincerely sorry for what I did to you and for what I said to you. I didn't realize how blinded by him I was until a year passed and I saw how unkind he was to me and to others around me. I don't expect us to be best friends again, but I just want you to know that I am sorry and that I know that our falling out was in large part my fault. I hope you can forgive me.
Brit
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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If you won $100 this afternoon, what would you do with it?
I'd probably buy toilet paper.
x.x;
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, September 10th, 2006
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My dad is a poo-head.
My computer is broken.
He promised he'd fix it for like... Days now...
Still hasn't.
Oh well. At least I have time to think.
.___.;
Love,
Zach
I met someone... I like him a lot. >.>; I don't know if he's into me though..
;____;
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, July 20th, 2006
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Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and have every dream I ever dreamt come true. Even the terrifying ones. All my love.
Zach
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, July 12th, 2006
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| Subject: | Blah... |
| Time: | 8:23 pm. |
| Mood: |  restless. | | Music: | Blue October---> Amazing. |
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[x] I have read a lot of books.
[] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[x] I have been to Canada.
[x] I have been to Europe.
[x] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[x] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[x] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[x] I have been snowboarding/skiing.
[x] I have played ping pong.
[x] I swam in the ocean.
[] I have been on a whale watch.
[x] I have seen fireworks.
[] I have seen a shooting star.
[] I have seen a meteor shower.
[x] I have almost drowned.
[] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
[x] I have listened to one CD over and over and over again.
[x] I have had stitches.
[] I have had frostbite.
[x] have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
[x] I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects.
[] I currently have a job.
[x] I have been ice skating.
[x] I have been rollerblading.
[x] I have fallen flat on my face.
[x] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[x] I have been in a fist fight.
[x] I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
[x] I have watched the power rangers.
[] I attend Church regularly.
[x] I have played truth or dare.
[x] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[x] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[x] I've called someone stupid.
[x] I've been in a verbal argument.
[x] I've cried in school.
[] I've played basketball on a team.
[] I've played baseball on a team.
[] I've played football on a team.
[] I've played soccer on a team.
[] I've done cheerleading on a team.
[] I've played softball on a team.
[] I've played volleyball on a team.
[] I've played tennis on a team.
[] I've been on a track or cross country team.
[x] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[] I've bungee jumped.
[] I've climbed a rock wall.
[x] I've lost more than $20.
[x] I've called myself an idiot.
[x] I've called someone else an idiot.
[x] I've cried myself to sleep.
[x] I've had (or have) pets.
[] I've owned a spice girls CD/cassette.
[] I've owned a britney spears CD.
[x] I've owned an N*Sync CD.
[x] I've owned a backstreet boys CD.
[x] I've mooned someone.
[] I have sworn at someone of authority before.
[] I've been in the newspaper.
[] I've been on TV.
[] I've been to Hawaii.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[x] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[x] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[x] I've watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[x] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[x] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[] I've been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers.
[x] I've been called a geek.
[x] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[x] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[x] I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[x] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[x] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[x] I've written poetry.
[] I've been arrested.
[x] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[x] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[x] I've had/have siblings.
[x] I've been to a rock concert.
[x] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've been picked last in gym class.
[] I've been picked first in gym class.
[x] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
[x] I've cried in front of my friends.
[x] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[] I've played Halo 2.
[x] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[x] I've been to Alaska.
[] I've been to China.
[] I've been to Spain.
[] I've been to Japan.
[] I've had a fight with someone on AIM.
[x] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[x] I've had serious conversations on any IM.
[x] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[x] I've been forgiven.
[x] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[x] I've cried at a chick flick.
[x] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[x] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[] I've been to a rap concert.
[] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[x] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[x] I've driven on the highway/been on the highway.
[x] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 40 miles in a day.
[x] I've been in a car accident.
[x] I've done drugs.
[x] I've been homesick.
[x] I've thrown up.
[x] I've puked on someone.
[x] I've been horseback riding.
[] I've filled out more than 10 myspace surveys.
[x] I've spoken my mind in public.
[x] I've proved someone wrong.
[x] I've been proven wrong by someone.
[] I've broken a leg.
[] I've broken an arm.
[x] I've fallen off a swing.
[x] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight
[x] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[x] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.
[] I've lost my backpack.
[x] I've come close to dying.
[] I've seen someone die.
[x] I've known someone who has died.
[x] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.
[] I've done modeling.
[x] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[x] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[x] I've realized how good my life is.
[] I've counted my blessings.
[] I've made fun of a classmate.
[x] I've been asked out by someone and I said no.
[] I've slapped someone in the face.
[x] I've been skateboarding.
[x] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[] I've lied to someone to their face.
[x] I've told a little white lie.
[x] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane.
[x] I've fainted.
[x] I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
[x] I've pushed someone into a pool.
[x] I've been pushed into a pool.
[x] I've been/am in love.
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I've lost... Everything.
I guess I'll start building... Again.
Wonder what I'll turn into this time?
...I hope I become something like a liquid. Like from a decomposing body. Mush that can fit anywhere. I will be able to adapt to any situation without the blink of an eye. All I have to do is flatten out... And fill my surroundings.
Who knows.
I'm pretty much friendless now. A worthless being with hardly any hope and no real desire to go on. I mean... My heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest and squeezed so hard that it's dry. Nothing's there anymore. Bloodless. Completely cleaned out. Half of me doesn't even want it back because loving someone hurts so much. I mean, it doesn't even have to be a person. I love Fat-head to death. If he and I were in a life or death situation I'd choose to save him and let me die. Only... Since he's still alive right now, I kno---...I know I can't give up. I...I have so many--- God fucking damnit...! I'm about to start crying... Again...
I have so many memories to make with him... I just want him to be happy. And hell... I've noticed now that he doesn't even need me. I mean. I've been away for almost 3 weeks now... And... He couldn't have cared less... He's fine without me. Everyone is.
David has plenty of people...
Carly doesn't need me...
Sean's doing great...
Fat-head hasn't even noticed...
Daniel doesn't need a brother like me...
Ariel is always mad at me...
Mom---...Mom loves me. But...I think if she knew how happy I'd be right now if I stopped breathing and didn't feel like shit anymore, she'd approve of me... Going...
Dad... I don't know... But I'm sure he could carry on his life without me.
Kari... Gosh. Kari you've got such a wonderful boyfriend... Such a great crew of friends... And hey! If I go... You know, even though I won't, I could punish your parents for being so mean to you. x.x;
**Sighs.**
This isn't one of those, "Oh. I'm going to go slit my throat in the bathroom." type of things. I'm not going to kill myself... Not literally anyhow. Mentally I'm going to. I'm going to kiss myself goodbye and become another person. I'll start over. It'll be my new birth. All I need... Is an idea. One. Tiny idea. And I'll morph into it.
No more talking about how I'm blah blah blah. Gonna start over. Blah. I'll go back before I go forward.
Now... Where to begin... I'm born... I grow up. The world is spinning... Around... Around... Around... Around... Rape...Sex...Experimenting...Bestfriend dies. Gone. Loneliness. Whore. Loser... Music. Music. MUSIC... Fashion. Fat-head. Love... Heartache. Crying. DEATH...
And now. I'm fresh. New.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, July 5th, 2006
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Lately, since I've had a lot of time to think, I've noticed things about myself. Not...Normal things, you know? Like, how I brush my hair (when I do) or what I look like... There's a lot more depth in what I'm noticing. I find myself thinking such stupid thoughts like, "No one could ever love me..." "Run away. Just get up, and run away." "Talk back..! Tell them how wrong they are..." "Die. Just die." "Disgusting piece of shit filth..." And I literally refer to myself like that... In my head.
Also lately I've realized that I'm getting to be angry again... So so so angry... It's almost to the point that my body is freaking out again. My stomach has been hurting a lot... It could be because I feel guilty for leaving Carly... Or maybe it's because I miss Fat-head so much. And Sean. I don't know. But I do know that I'm gonna have to fight this. I'm going to have to defeat myself in order to be happy again. I mean... I know deep down someone out there will love me. Without any second thoughts... Just pure honest love. I know what it is. 'Cause I've felt it before and still feel it.
In fact... Last night... I dreamt---...Of him. It was just a sweet little dream. I remember I saw this amazing building... It was so tall. And it's stairs were on the outside and it was called, "Bashfull." x.x; I wanted to go up inside of it to see what was in the highest room... But Mom said no... So I wandered away from her, before seeing him. Then I stopped of course... We hugged and took off running into a glass museum. x.x; >.<; And were just looking at how neat it looked when the light went through the glass... All the colors and and reflections... It was like he and I were best friends again... And I didn't feel so lonely.
But! REALITY CHECK!
I'll get through this. I know it. I just need... Time. Time. Time. Time. Answers won't do any good. So I need to just... Write down all my questions, put them into a bottle and send them off down a stream. If someone finds it. So be it. If you find it, cool! If I happen across it...I'll glance and pass. I mean... The chances of Sean finding it are... Zip zero nadda... But... If he does... Well. I don't know. It'd be pretty ironic! Hehe!
Gosh... I need a lot of help. I know I'm not so smooth asking for help...But... Uh... Guys. when you see me get into one of my, "No one would ever want this used person.." moods... ;___; Hug me tight... And promise me someone will. Okay. I'm done. Time for sleeeeep.
<3
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEAN!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!
P/S
On a rather... Embarrassingly funny note,
One the 4th of July my great grandmother asked me... POINT BLANK...
"Are you a girl?"
>..>; And counting. XP Just playing. Okay. Seriously. Goodnight. XP
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 12:01 pm. |
| Mood: |  lonely. | | Music: | None.. |
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Lots of crap happened.
I went on vacation.
Ignored.
Fight.
Ignored.
Fun! Weee
Ignored...
Fight.
Fun.
Fun.
Ignored.
FIGHT!!!
Went to grandparents.
Typed this.
Love you all tons.
SEAN! TWO MORE DAYS UNTIL YOUR BIRTHDAAAAY!!!! WHOOOOPY!!!! <3!!!!!!
DAVID!!!!!!! DON'T BE SAAAAD ANYMOREEEE!!!! **SMOOCH!**
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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| Subject: | Shhh |
| Time: | 11:23 am. |
| Mood: |  creative. | | Music: | Phone continuously ringing.. |
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Welcome to my dreamland...
Where no one is safe.
Pureness is emptiness
And no one has faith.
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Sometimes I close my eyes and think of what I dreamt---like what it meant, or how it will potentially play a role in my life.
Last night I dreamt of looking out across a river. It was beautiful, and city lights were reflected down in it. I remember watching and wanting to take a picture... I wanted it so bad that I ran from the dock---but I was in nice clothes and I didn't want to get my shoes dirty, so I climbed the wall of the lighthouse. My hands stung because I cut them up really bad. The wall was sharp and deeply grooved, easy but painful for me to hold on to. I made it up to where a little ledge was, and I threw myself on it. It was a smooth jump that I felt proud to have made. I walked quickly to the door and opened it---I was in a round room. It was filled with lovely trinkets... Beautiful and small. They meant the world to someone somewhere at one time and that made my heart swell. I looked down and there was a ladder, so I decended down into the room below. I found my mother there and she was much younger. She was crying and saying she hated herself. Her mascara was pouring down her face and it made me cringe... I wanted to get out of there. I found my camera. My sony cyber-shot. It was the most perfect thing I had ever seen... And it looked new! No scratches or dents from falling down a mountain ledge. I skipped steps on the ladder wanting to get out as quickly as possible. I knew that the picture would make my mom smile. It would dry her tears and warm her up... Even though the room was so cold. Instead of using the door I came into the trinket room with, I used the window to get out. And I climbed down a long rope of hair. Golden hair. Like in the fairytales. When I made it back to the dock it was morning and I started crying... Then I woke up. Feeling like a failure.
Somethings, I guess, lose their magic when morning comes and you wake up.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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I keep thinking such strange thoughts...
Like ripping my teeth out and swallowing them.
or
Shoving needles through my tongue...
I don't know where these are coming from... But they scare me.
I don't want to do that stuff... DUH! But...I just keep imagining it... And almost...Just almost... Feeling it too...
Maybe I'm in my self-destructive mode again. I hate it.
I'm even happy right now. I don't know what the hell is going on in my head. Whatever it is. It's not going to control me...!
BUWAHAHAH!
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You hurt me...
Don't you understand? You hurt me...!
My heart hurts...
I can't breathe...
I hurt...
Love me...
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I never realized how stupid I actually am...
Stupid...
Stupid...
Me...
Anyone have a cure...?
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday to meeee~~!
Happy Birthday to me!
Wow. 17 years old. x.x; Unnnngh.
I forget what Super Hero I am. >.> OOOH!!! Nevermind. I know! HEHEHE!
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Silent eyes and quiet prayers… There is a certain desperate feeling I try to figure out… You’re gone and I know something isn’t right. I can feel it… I wait for a sign from you. I’ve trained myself to receive them. My chair isn’t as comfortable as your lap… And part of me wants to cry as I remember the sweetness you held me with before you left. You’re a very important addition in the exploding company filled with adventure, magic and excitement; the most important person ever, both in that division of your life and in mine. The worry in my heart causes me to turn the tv on and I see where you are is under attack! Not by people, of course, but by nature! The world is after you… I did bad stuff as a child; I knew too much. I can’t let you be taken for something I did! My heart is panicking. All coherent thoughts fade as I am glued to the “Tornado Alert,” On the blinding screen. The rain and hail cover the ground and crash into cars that try in need to flee the obvious problem. Dark, gloomy, low clouds… How I felt only moments before.
“On no!!!” A shriek…! It left my lips far before my thoughts even registered. I must have accidentally cause nature to turn on you. I am so sorry! I never meant for that to happen, I swear! I just couldn’t…I couldn’t think correctly. I missed you so badly. I was angry you had to leave. I must have thought dangerously. I am disgusting… The world has inferred a terrible thought as a deadly one.
I carefully push myself off the couch. I have to be a little slow… Shock and fear makes me shake like the earth when its plates grind together. I can’t dive into this. I have to think it all out. I know I have a rain stick in here somewhere… Oh! Under the couch that we never use; it’s for the cats and puppies… They are treated like royalty. I reach under and my feeble fingers grasp the magic device… In a smooth motion I pull it out from under the darkness of unfamiliarity. My lungs are flat… I stopped breathing a minute ago, but it feels like forever.
As I stand up and nearly fall down, I realize how I should do this. I dash outside and spin around and around… Ask for forgiveness… That’s what I do! My hair hangs down in gentle wisps… And the rain stick roars in my ears. Closing my eyes I take a huge breath and scream so loud it’s almost silent. I have to talk to nature… I have to ask her to turn on me… My little steps twist and turn and I am flying…! Tears crawl down my face and for a second I want to die for what could happen to you… But I have to be confident!
I yell with a light voice…
“Leave him alone! Please! Please, don’t hurt him…”
There’s a rumble…
“I love him…!”
I feel dizzy…
“Did you hear me world?! I LOVE him…!”
Nothing…
“I love him like nothing else. He is my reason. My life… I live, wake and dream for him…! The love I feel is pure and unordinary. I want to change myself for him… So he can see how much I love him… I know he does! But I cherish him…! Everything about him… All that I do is somehow related to him. His beauty is reflected in everything.
Knocked down with a fierce roll of the earth… It speaks now. “Why…?”
A confusing question that I don’t know how to answer…
“Why do I love him…? Because he makes me so happy! He shows me I am not nothing. He cares. He makes me laugh… His compassion touches even the hardest of people… He is everything I am not and much of what I am, only…BETTER! I adore him. He’s pure and sweet… Delicious!!! Perfection… He’s the type of person who can’t stand seeing the injustices in the world, so he tires to fix them.”
Screaming thunder as clouds roll in…
“Don’t you see, world…? I love him. I cannot live without him.”
“YES YOU CAN!”
“No! I wouldn’t….! I would survive, because I know he wouldn’t want me to die myself. I would survive…but I wouldn’t live.”
“You cannot back up life…”
“I love him… And I’ve changed. I love him. You can’t take him… Don’t make him suffer because of me… You can’t TAKE HIM!”
With a final yell the world crumbles beneath me and my tears melt into it… I fall and then…Wake up… To…You…
“Good morning, Zach…” And I love you…
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Subject: | Pay back! |
| Time: | 3:36 pm. |
| Mood: |  complacent. | | Music: | Thathump...Thathump...Thathump.... |
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1. Choose 15 people from your friends list at random.
2. Write something about/to each of them.
3. Don't tell anyone who the statements are about. Good or bad. (Some people I may have used twice -- you'll never know.)
1.) I love you! I love you! I love you...!
2.) I've known you forever, you're my best friend and sometimes my worst enemy. But mostly, my best friend.
3.) You're a fucking liar. But I couldn't be happier about that...
4.) You have wicked ways...
5.) We're superheros...!!! FIGHT THE MAN!!!
6.) I hate you for hurting her...
7.) You've made me cry, laugh...and scream. Sometimes all at the same time...! And that says a lot!
8.) It's been a while since we talked, but you change your SN's A LOT!
9.) I miss you and your crazy ways.
10.) You convinced me to make this journallll!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!
11.) I consider you a sister...
12.) I love you... More than anything...!
13.) I knew you a long time ago... We don't talk much anymore, but...When we did it was like magic!
14.) Hehehe. Rawrrr. You know. You know.
15.) You turned me on to APC... x.x; Now I'm literally addicted. Hehehe.
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In this place where I am supposed to learn to love life and cherrish a skill---or even develop one, I find myself glaring at all the stupid people around me who "think" they know what they're supposed to act like... It started with our ABC's... A game we play with innocence an knowledge of good, not bad.
A is for Ass
B is for Bitch
C is for Cunt
D is for Dick
E is for Eating
F is for Fucking
G is for G-spot
H is for Hunter/Hunted
I is for Instant
J is for Jizz
K is for KKK
L is for Licking
M is for Moaning
N is for Nigger
O is for "O" Face
P is for Pussy
Q is for Queer
R is for Rape
S is for Sex
T is for Test Ride
U is for Under
V is for Virgin
W is for Wacking
X is for XXX
Y is for YES!!!
Z is for Zone...
I did not think them up. There is a game going on next to me... Their words and minds disgust me. How they degrade life without a second thought or even a tinge of respect for -anything!- even themselves, kills me. How is any of that cool? How could they think it's something to look up to, or forward to?! Their disturbing odor rises to my nose and makes me cough and scream...Silently though, inside my head. Life is not a scam to be played out! Sure, I consider life to be somewhat like a game, but it's no scam. It's not a prank...
The bell rings and we rush into the halls. It's like we're blood flowing back into an organ that nearly died... There is a clot though and for a moment it feels like we're going to die in our own bloody slime.
As we walk now close to being considered single file, I think of my first stereo. I remember tuning it and flicking it on... Listening to the static and imagining a UFO trying to communicate with me...My eyes close and I hum with the waves of white noise...
"Mmmmm...Nnn...Shh...Mmmm..."
In my mind I asked them to save me from the slow and dreadful death that I was going through. (I was in a bought of depression.) They, sadly enough, never answered back. I suspected that they came to the Earth and saw how worthless it would become, how utterly lifeless. They discovered the types of people who would surround good people in every day life. The bad people who say that people unlike them need to die... The ones who call others names like faggot and pussy...Nigger and cracker. Filthy people...
End.
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Fights suck.
The deans at my school need color in their rooms. They make us sit there for hours in a white room. It's enough to drive people (me) insane. It was crazy. >.>; Maybe for my senior prank I'll splatter paint their walls. Hehehehe.
End.
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zachari's journal
bored.
content.
scared.
crushed.
crazy.
dirty.
curious.
bouncy.
ecstatic.
discontent.